Episode 990-999

Bah, plots are for wimps! Zooper-speedy exposition time! Celine/Richard is no more! Huzzah! Celine mooches off her friends as usual! Whoosh! Babybump shrinks and grows inexplicably in rapid succession! Whoosh! Roman thinks marriage smells, woos Ben, shags Annette and Ingo on the side! Vanessa approves of alternative lifestyles! Hi Keule! Whoosh! Celine! Oliver! Can you smell the contrived speed-romance? (Actually, it's puzzlingly twee. BUT WE'RE NOT COVERING IT!) Whoosh! Lil sneaks in that damn boat transition! Aldi tweaks translations to exposition harder! Whoosh! Jenny stole money! What to do? Bribe Jenny, blame Axel, get back company! Huzzah! Whoosh! Steinkamps are cats! Axel glares! Eyeflash! Any questions? (Don't you dare.)

Welcome to the mind of Deniz Öztürk! Please step carefully to avoid the pitfalls of insecurity and self-loathing. Feel free to admire the exquisite inventory listed under "Physical Assets" (just ask an attendant to draw back the blankets if you want to see more) but look out for corrosive spots in the self-worth and coping mechanisms modules -- unfortunately the full extent of damage is as yet unknown. We advise you to exercise extreme caution when venturing towards the "Subconscious & Dreams" exhibit, as there is a massive excavation of previously unresolved abandonment issues that have recently flared up again. Again, their full depth remains untapped.

Please observe the rules this exhibit operates by:
1. People leave.
2. People hurt you.
3. These people include yourself.
4. It's your own fault because no matter what you do, you're just not good enough, and it MUST be your fault because if you didn't screw up so much, then maybe they wouldn't leave, or they wouldn't hurt you before they do, but either way it's ALWAYS your fault because you tried to be perfect and that didn't work either, and if you can't even get perfection right, then what the hell are you good for anyway, so maybe they're right to leave because who'd want to bother with such a failure.

If you want to leave any donations to support the repair of this exhibit, please drop your hugs in the donations box in the comments thread before you leave. (Because you will. Rule No.1 says so.)

Dear Deniz: Did you really just say what you said about accepting responsibility? Are you aware that it wasn't supposed to be physically possible for us to love you any more??

Dear Marian: Whoa there, stud. Stop oscillating so madly between Epic Awesome and Epic Suck. You're making us dizzy (and if we start hurling, we'll be more demanding patients than Deniz.)

Dear Roman: Your stoic endurance and persistent support are making our eyes do leaky things. Stoppit.

Dear Annette: Are you done, indeed. Have some post-coital cuddles. Because you just rock.

Also? YAYAYYAYAYAYYAYAYAYYAYAY OMG THANK FUCK! TACKLEPOUNCE!

Dear Eskimos: After the EPIC WIN of the 993 comment thread (in which you have once again proven that this is without a doubt the sparkliest fandom ever), you have fully DESERVED (*clink*) this kiss. And all that comes after.

Except the end of that scene with Marian. (No one deserves that.)

Oh, young love's dream and its fabulously cheesy obstacle course to wedded bliss. Ben wants to cancel the wedding! Oh noes! Isabelle cries, hits her head on a rock, gets insta!promoted to wife. YAYZ! Now all she'll have to do to keep this marriage stable is carry a rock in one pocket and a ketchup bottle in the other at all times. And maybe up the ante to faking her own amnesia next time. Relationships are hard work, y'all.

Meanwhile, Katja gets more and more annoyingly misty-eyed over her star-crossed OTP, Roman tries to explain why this plot is too bad even for the Nina Sommer School of Romance, Vanessa rolls her eyes a lot, Deniz and Roman are NOT LOOKING AT EACH OTHER, OH NO, NOT AT ALL, and Ben demonstrates that if Isabelle has any serious competition to worry about, it'll be from her brother. Or the stripper. Or both, simultaneously, SRSLY BEN STEINKAMP, YOU COULD NOT BE ANY MORE GAY IF YOU TRIED.

Looting Casa WildTurkey, are we? We call dibs on the sling, Nina's cameras in the plants, that silvery cushion and the gnomes! Oh, gah, actually it's just the boys awkwardly divvying up their stuff post-divorce and sussing out visitation rights for Flo and trying to pry Roman's keys off his bunny keyring and...

Okay, this is fucking depressing. Marc, we need to talk! Why did you have to give Deniz that lame hockey book?? That was when everything went wrong! Things were peachy up until then! Deniz was willing to try a threesome! You kissed him! There was goose grease and everything! And then you had to go and give him a lame, insulting gift instead of two tickets to that thing he loves. What the hell? Now you're stuck in Hamburg all by your lonesome, Roman is shivering and miserable, Deniz is bawling his eyes out and trying to fake his own amnesia, and your book is burning in the fires of hell anyway. Fail, dude, fail.

(The song for the Gay Games qualifier is still the same as in ep 812. However, to forestall questions: "Exogenesis: Symphony Part 2" by Muse.)

Annette's advice for the lovelorn: Men say they don't want a sandwich, but they really do. Now all Roman needs to do is pretend to be a sandwich, and all will be well.

Huh. So actually, that kinda worked, didn't it? Oh Nettchen, you are both pretty AND smart. (Still trying to work out exactly what you mean by "Deniz is a woman" though.)

(That song? Imagine, it's STILL "Exogenesis: Symphony Part 2" by Muse! Crazy, huh?)