Episode 980-989

Somewhere, in an as yet undisclosed location in fictional Essen's designated two blocks (plus a lake and a brand-new water tower), there is a bubbling, sparkling spring of pure distilled awesomesauce, and every once in a while most of the characters roll around in it at the same time. (We imagine this occurrence to be something like that orgy we keep begging the writers for.)

The result is eps like this one, where Annette suddenly combines compassion and great advice with insightful meta about her own character, Roman sets aside guilt and the need to make amends for selfless concern about the man he loves, Deniz beautifully plunges down an ever-narrowing spiral of despair and self-destruction, and TomKat somehow manage to revive recycled romantic tropes and make them shine with giggles and adorkability (and Katja's braying laugh that really shouldn't be charming but somehow is).

The only one who hasn't managed to find the spring of awesome is Patrick. Patrick just royally sucks, and not in a good way. Move aside, Ingo, there's plenty of room in the doghouse for this loser.

PS: Matthias, mate! Can we order us a dozen of those extreme close-ups on Igor's glare? Because MROW.

Knowing that their relationship has no future in Essen after everything that's happened, the guys talk about leaving regrets, recriminations and interfering exes behind and starting a new life in Australia. Will they succeed? What about money? What if they make the same mistakes again? After all, Australia holds many dangers for a couple with so much baggage. Spiders. Sunburns. Matthew Mitcham.

Oh, and Roman and Deniz have some plot too.

Here's one more thing we love about Show: Healing made-up killer viruses with illegal miracle drugs for a cracky mini-arc of Outbreak meets Mission Impossible is one thing; however, when it's Serious Business time, Show does do its homework.

For those of you lucky enough to not have had to do much research on HIV so far, we would like to stress it in the clearest terms possible that AWZ is NOT making up a convenient morning-after cocktail or miracle cure for HIV. Listen to smart Dr. Sommer, for he is right. PEP (Post-Exposure Prophylaxis) does exist, but it is by no means an alternative to condoms, a cure for HIV, or an easy way out after a casual unprotected fuck. We encourage you to do your own research.

Annette wants a Time-Turner so she can go back to those blissful days when everything was perfect (what show is girlfriend watching?), Ingo employs science worthy of Madam Pomfrey to explain the "good mood button" (we'd prefer he find his "asshat: off" switch), and Marian longs for a Vanishing Cabinet when he's outed in the middle of the Centre by "naked wet Oliver." AWKWARD.

Meanwhile, Roman mopes and polishes spoons (no, that's not a euphemism, unfrotunately) in his vain struggle against silo-ing plots and we're briefly reminded that PEP therapy is no happy hour cocktail. C'mon, Show, is a phone call with hours of soul-baring discussion too much to ask?

P.S. GO JENNY!!

Oliver greases Marian's nipples for a photoshoot. Marian realises things can't go on like this and storms off the deck, splashing through the water as Simone calls after him that he'll be fired if he leaves now, while Oliver desperately calls out his name.

Er, sorry, we got stuck on the flashback rowing machine of bliss there for a sec. Then we tried to go back and finish up this descrip but found it physically impossible to move past "Oliver greases Marian's nipples."

OH, BUT LOOK WHO'S CALLING.

Oh hello! Who's that cutie getting with the bright eyes and attitude? Hi there, Zuckerschnecke! Long time no see! Grab a drink and we'll catch you up on what you've missed. Let's see, your mum's still scheming, Max is still greasy, your dad's still falling on every blonde that passes, Constanze's still single (why? why?), Deniz and Roman are still broken up (but exchanging comfort and good advice, and also nosebumps -- damn, Vanessa, we're telling you, they're KILLING us), and Essen is still fuelled by fries and currywurst. Oh, and look at Jenny! OMG GIRLS. WHY SO CUTE??

So Vanessa caught a redeye, wasn't picked up from the airport, cabbed it to the Centre, was graciously carted to the Porn Penthouse by Daddy, then back to the Centre, briefly caught up with Jenny, went to the villa, pretended she liked babies, got dripped on by Greasy Max, had awkward talk of awkward with Simone, went back to the Centre, met Isabelle and Katja (more awkwardness!), rekindled her incesty sparks with Ben, and finally got to see Deniz and listen to his HIV & Roman-related woes, ALL ON THE SAME DAY. We'd grumble at her for being needlessly catty with Isabelle, but we'll just cut her some slack for serious jetlag.

In which Oliver tells Marian how much it sucks to have feelings for another man when you can't let him know, Marian feigns cluelessness, and Oliver plays the jealousy card by revealing he's asked Celine to be his back-up prom date. Oh, boys, just snog already.

P.S. Your OTP nonsense is backfiring again, Show. The one person you're trying to ostracise is looking like the only appealing one of the bunch. Stop it before we become the Isabelle Reichenbach channel.