Episode 940-949

We had big plans for this episode, guys. BIG PLANS. We were going to turn the channel background black, declare that EKP was not currently speaking to Roman Wild, and make emo vids of ourselves burning pictures of Eskimo kisses whilst mascara-blackened tears streamed down our faces and sizzled on the flames. And then we'd put Meat Loaf's "Is Nothing Sacred" on loop and curl up on the red couch all day surrounded by growing piles of empty vodka bottles and crisps packets, feeling sorry for ourselves and lamenting the ultimate betrayal.

Turns out, as ever, it isn't that simple. There's too much poignancy and bittersweetness here: brotherly bonding and floppy hugs; Roman's father invading the one thing that's truly his; a missed phone call; one person who's there and one who isn't. Small things that matter - like an innocent gesture of affection that caught our attention hundreds of episodes ago and has since become legend. And no, of course it isn't sacred, or safe. Nothing here is.

So, Show, brilliantly played. Consider our hearts skillfully peeled open and pierced with delicate needles. The problem is we get off on that sort of thing ;)

PS: Damn, though. Those emo vids would've been FUN.

Ever wondered how long all the time in the world is? According to Marc Häagen Dazs, it's exactly one day. That's how long it takes to go from "all the time you need" to "decision, now." Is this pushy fail or finding his balls? Brainthirds are divided. But both agree that he's love's bitch and in a pretty impossible sitch. Still, any man who can make Roman Wild stretch himself like one long buffet table of nipples and skin can't complain too much.

...

Where were we? Oh yes, OTHER THINGS HAPPENED. There's, um, Jenny and Axel rocking it as the Centre Powerduo, much to Max's chagrin and our delight. There's the CPS worker we adore and wish would stay, preferably with Det. Koch. And there's Simone, utterly charmed by Flo and his offer to do anything. Without complaining. *minds wander* She really can't say no to the Wild boys, can she? Well, except for that one time... and that other time...

DENIZ HURRY BACK STOP. MHAS OUT OF CONTROL STOP. EARLY FLIGHT GOOD IDEA STOP.

P.S. OMG Christof, quit with the heartbeats already. It's like Show's having a heart attack or something, which if it was caused by Roman arching in that chair like a cat in heat, we could totally understand. But otherwise, just no! *bashes heartbeat.wav*

Roman Wild writes the most heart-breaking letter in Show history since a certain clumsy outpouring of feelings by a correspondence-challenged Turk. And Annette serves Marc a big hearty portion of "Take the fish and leave" before re-enacting a conversation that seems to have been lifted directly from recent EKP comment threads.

And somewhere between those two scenes, there's an important message to remember here: DeRo 2.0 was a fairy tale; it was beautiful and uplifting and magical, and it ended with a kiss and the stirring tunes of a beloved song. In DeRo 3.0, we're down the rabbit hole, deep inside Pandora's box, sailing unchartered seas, Here There Be Dramadragons. There is no way back to the safety of a "happily ever after", no way to close the door that's been opened. Whatever happens from here on out, things will change and no one knows the outcome, but that's no reason to despair or run out on this storyline (like we keep threatening to do with MaJe before they suck us right back in, dammit). Be brave, stick around, embrace the woobie. There's always another wibbling (or evilly cackling) Eskimo right next to you to hold on to.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

It is a dark time for the Steinkamp team. The evil lord Darth Mater, obsessed with finding young Katja Bergmann, has pursued the freedom fighter across the galaxy. Using the power of the Force, Darth Mater infiltrates the Steinkamp Centre. Now Katja faces her greatest challenge as a Jedi knight. As opposing factions gather their forces, the young freedom fighter struggles to fulfill her Destiny.

In other words, Claudia Bergmann insinuates, manipulates, appeases, and controls to get her daughter to do everything she wants her to, just like any good mother would. Just look at Simone. (Or look at Jenny instead, because YOWZAH. Marian, you're a stronger man than we are. But then, you are taking Oliver up to Lookout Point, so it figures you'd be a bit preoccupied.)

P.S. In case you've forgotten, Oliver's hearing is with regard to running over Stella way back when and not notifying the authorities. We're bummed that Lars didn't personally deliver the letters of support. Guess Nealy and Brightman are being *very* demanding.

Purple Shirts Day in the ballet room, yay! At least everyone's looking pretty while passive-aggressing at each other. Roman finally exhibits some proper trainer traits, yawning and eye-rolling his way through Claudia's routine, but then later he has to go and muck it all up by defending his skater and being all insightful and crap (also, don't think we didn't hear those "he"s, Mr. Wild. Projecting much?)

But all of Darth Mater's sweet conversational jellyfish barbs and strategical displays of understanding pale next to the cracky lure of EKP's new inappropriate toy ship: Benny/Bunny? Oh Show. You must love us.

Also? Not sure why Isabelle's all worried about being disadvantaged. Surely if you're shagging BOTH team captains (no need to look all coy, Jenny), you've got your bases well covered.

There's nothing quite so annoying as a boyfriend who calls you long distance to say he loves you, is there, Roman? Especially when said call interrupts your would-be sexytimes with your other boyfriend. We'd add that it's especially hard when it makes you feel guilty, but far as we can tell, there's not the slightest hint of remorse here.

In other words, some days you make it very hard to love you.

Honestly, if you weren't so adorbs when you're smitten, we might consider throwing you over for your charmer of a brother. Since that includes the possibility of treading into Zoe-land, you should know that we mean SRS BZNS.

Speaking of charmers, Egon's back with a vengeance, so get your punching bags ready.

Roman may be pants at sorting out his romantic entanglements but boy does he ever win at fierce brotherly protective mode. And Marian? Oh Marian. Remember the days when we signed up to be your additional three wives? No, we're not ready to go back to that kind of commitment (there's been too much judgemental machismo fail towards Jenny from you for that), but there is absolutely no question about you winning the Father of the Year award for the face-off with Egon. With a big fat Father-In-Law of the Year bonus thrown in. So much love for you right now!

Oh yeah, and apparently Egon has something vaguely resembling a conscience, if a very squished out of shape and shriveled one. Huh.

Being stuck between a rock and a hard place is extra-torturous when the rock worships the ground you walk on, has a father who's practically adopted you, and oozes not only crazy-slidey-sexy bed moves but also flailing adorkability and heartwrenching concern. And when the hard place looks at you all conflicted and tries to be angry but crumbles at the slightest tug on his heartstrings, and looks like THAT in a black V-neck t-shirt. We feel for you, Roman, we really do :(

And EYEFLASH HEARTSTAB OW. SHOW, YOU BRILLIANT BITCH.

The only thing that sucks harder than not having the guts to come clean to your boyfriend about your other boyfriend... (no, is NOT Deniz in the shower, Aldi :p) ...is when said boyfriend cluelessly decides to go all noble on your other boyfriend and thank him for, ahem, taking care of you in his absence. AWKWARD.

Also, looks aren't all that matters? Oh Roman, you dear sweet naive boy. Next thing we know you'll be trying to tell us that couples who have different ages and personalities are more interesting or some such nonsense! Didn't you get the memo that your whole soul torment is silly and you should just Pick The Cute One? (Don't worry about that dripping noise, it's just sarcasm.)

PS: Because people will ask: The shower scene song is "Ihr Versuchungen" by Pilot.