Episode 905-909

Exciting times! Meet Marc. Marc Hagendorf, who in under 10 minutes stalks Lars, hits on Deniz, hints at intriguing past drama with Roman, and smirks his way straight into our evil tri-chamber heart.

We like Marc. Marc can stay :-D

Also EKP-approved: Cheesy romantic songs used for angsty hope-crushing montages. (It's Melanie C's "May Your Heart", if anyone cares.) Katja! Constanze! If all the guys you're into are either gay or have crap taste in girls, can't you ladies take a hint? Or must we really lock you up in the ice rink overnight and force you to share body heat? Because we totes will.

(But not with Celine, we're not that cruel. We just want her to take the fish and go.)

Not EKP-approved: Hmmm, why does this Perky Blonde Skater look so drattedly familiar? Oh right, because she played Alicia Silberstein about, oh, TWO MONTHS AGO, so clearly we've all forgotten about that by now and are totally receptive to seeing her as a brand new, totally unrelated, just-happens-to-look-identical different character. Who Ben then feels compelled to apologise away the whole Richard Sex Scandal to, even though her Doppelgänger was the cause of it all. Casting fail, dudes.

SHELLY, COME BACK RIGHT THIS INSTANT. You have completely messed up the roster. See, there's three of them now, so there need to be three of us. One of us (probably Aldi, the Dirty Deniz Lover) needs to cuddle scared-looking Deniz and cheer him on when he tells Marc to take the fish (er, Lars) and go. One of us (probably Lil, Roman-Defender Extraordinaire) will need to cuddle torn and vulnerable Roman before storming over to the barbecue grill and torching the Evil Box of Woe. And the third of us (obviously you, since you're already a raging Marc Fangirl and he reminds you of Etienne) must be there to cuddle intrigued-looking, trouble-stirring-up, super-sexy-smirking Marc. And then we all take turns. And then we never stop.

SO SOZ, BUT YOUR CUNNING RETIREMENT PLAN WON'T WORK. (Just look at Roman. He's on the ice as much as ever!)

On the other hand, you can probably cuddle Marc just as well from retirement, so, yeah, uhm, just make sure you do that.

(Hi peeps! We are not crazy, promise. Well, not crazier than usual. Just a wee bit excited about how FUCKING AWESOME these three already are on screen together. HAI! Oh, and if you're wondering who you lot are, that would be Constanze, leaning over the bar so as not to miss a single word. Later you'll be checking Nina's secret cameras hidden in the houseplants for the footage of semi-threatening territorial hot oozy YOU ARE MINE sex that night. Make a copy for us, 'kay?)

PS: Dear André Dietz, Aldi says STOP MAKING UP WORDS. IT'S SODDING HARD.

It's International Denial Day. Deniz is not jealous. Roman is not disappointed that Deniz is not jealous. Marc's coming to Essen has nothing to do with Roman. Roman is over Marc. Marc is over Roman. No stormclouds in this fluffy pink sky! And we're totally unaffected by longing glances, smirking, troubled weight room scenes (time to dust off the flashback rowing machine of doom soon, Y/Y?), layered exchanges on the red couch, or Roman Wild's Shower Pick-up Services, Ltd. ("No pick-up is too naked for us!")

AND MARIAN'S GOT YOUR NUMBER, BITCH!

Okay, turn off the smoke alarm, Marc was a red herring. Obviously the real danger to DeRo is shirtless Ben. Muahahahahaha. (And isn't it awesome that fantasising about Ben naked automatically makes you a better skater? We're rethinking our own Olympic chances even now.)

Also, the power of Ingo's hot sausage is too much for Ben and Oliver, NOTHING is too hot for Deniz Öztürk, and if y'all ever wanted to know if Ingo and Katja are the spit or swallow type, you're about to find out. Also, we're sure that in 100 or so episodes, that sausage slicer will be the cause of Ingo's therapy plot. Good times.

(No, nothing other than innuendo happens in this ep. But say hi to Aliciabelle Silverbottom, er, Isabelle Reichenbach, since she's here to stay. Just try to ignore the fact that she looks distractingly familiar and give a sister a chance.)

Roman's 111th birthday is coming up. Oh woe, oh misery, oh let's save it for when it happens. Deniz demonstrates his amazing human blanket skillz. Ben's IN WUV but just to be soapy, he and Isabelle aren't telling anyone that they're together. Smart plan, IsaBen, that never goes wrong. Oh, and Katja has some skating thing to ace. Y'know, nothing important, just the future of her career hinging on it and stuff. If she's not distracted by OMG SEEING BEN AND ISABELLE BREATHE THE SAME AIR, that is. And if she doesn't listen to Ingo's advice to skate with her heart (pls use the feet, Zuckerschnecke, thx). And if Max doesn't hex her from upstairs, annoyed with her heroic Gryffindor ways that threaten to loosen the glamour he's cast on Lena. Basically, NOTHING CAN GO WRONG. AT ALL.

Matthias Paul takes over in the director's chair with this episode.

PS: This question has popped up before, so just a quick note on the "toi toi toi" line: It's a way to express "good luck" that's mostly used among actors and athletes. It's not an actual word but a phonetic representation of spitting (for good luck and to banish evil). Traditionally you're not allowed to say "thank you" in return.