Episode 900-904

Sorry, folks. Today's description has been stunned into silence by the news that there are real honest-to-god optimists in the Wild family. What happened to "always expect the worst" and "he who lives on hope alone will someday perish starving"? Where did this Pollyanna come from and what have you done with Roman Wild?

To keep the episode from being all sunshine and roses, however, we've got a healthy dose of violence. Deniz punches Roman, Ben punches Greasy Max, Katja goes on about cement shoes and concrete threats (seems like you've been watching too many mobster movies, although if you were following Deniz's dating tips, we'll forgive you), and Ingo explains the food chain, grass to brats. Speaking of brats, hai Zoé!

(Oh, and Lena may be in trouble. Shocker!)

Richard had a heart attack. We'd say "So what?" (and risk Shelly's wrath) except it's making Jenny woobie and MaJe ache for each other :( Oliver wins points by being moral support guy, and also by coyly flashing his GBWI side, ordering elaborate macchiato concoctions. AND JENNY HAS A SISTER NAMED VANESSA, DID YOU KNOW? A SISTER WHO CAN BE REACHED BY PHONE. EXCITING!

The boys pun dirtily about craftsmanship skills. Marian and Jenny break our hearts and put them back together in short order, only to have Axel step in at the exact right moment and expertly excise all hope of a fledgling reconnection with glee and cunning precision. Love, tenderness, scheming cracky win, and crunchy pain all wrapped up in one ep - things could be so brilliant if not for the matter of the letter.

The letter, Show, and the logistics thereof. Sit down. We must talk. (No, really. SIT YOUR SLOPPY ARSE DOWN.)

Sometimes we're slow, so please explain. Are you seriously telling us that Jenny wakes up, jumps to conclusions, gets all sad, gets up, dresses, leaves, goes home, undresses, (possibly takes a bath?), puts on her fluffy dressing gown, sits down to write a sad letter, does what? sends it via mail? walks by Marian's again to slip it in the mailbox?, gets dressed again somewhere in there, and goes to meet Axel.... all this while Marian is still rushing around getting breakfast ready?? Instead of her just hanging around Marian's for an extra couple minutes to write the letter and leave it there so we wouldn't have all this pacing confusion? COME ON. Unless the explanation is that Jenny has a TARDIS (and we could get behind that), we're extremely grumpy at having our poignant heartbreak disrupted by weird little continuity glitches like that.

Like every wannabe evil mastermind, Dr. Axel Schwarz spells out his cunning plan for world (or at least Steinkamp Centre) domination in painful detail. We wait with bated breath for the Masked Man In Black to save our hapless heroine, but he's rendered helpless by the sight of Deniz crawling on the floor. (Aren't we all?)

Elsewhere Roman contemplates a career in the food service industry (he's already got the knife!) while Katja scolds him for his gloomy outlook. Schatz, seriously, haven't we already told you that last week's flicker of optimism was an aberration? Roman Wild and pessimism go together like Annette and the fry stand, like Lars Berger and vodka, like the locker room and sexytimes, like EKP and wordy descriptions...

Oh, Jenny, just when we were about to give up on you and write you off as Stepfordized like Lena, you go and get your snark on. MISSED YOU, GIRL! And yeah, I guess a measure of thanks is due Dr. Steinkamp-Schwarz for bringing that out in you. We're buckling up for the cracky fun.

And the woobie heartbreak too - although frankly, Marian, we're not sure you deserve it. Deniz should not need to spoonfeed your lines to you. Why don't you just get him to pass notes to Jenny next that say "MY DAD LIKES YOU DO YOU LIKE HIM?" (Of course, if any of this would get us the long-yearned for Öztürk-Wild-Steinkamp family dinner, we wouldn't complain.)

In which everything goes wrong and we cackle a lot.

Dear Marian: U R DOIN IT WRONG. Here's a hint: Sometimes, when it matters, it's okay to make grand gestures (like wearing a different outfit, even tho it has weird little phallic symbols on your tie). Sometimes it's okay to leave a note. Sometimes it's okay to call more than once. We hear it's rumoured sometimes, when it's really really important to you to set a misunderstanding straight, it's even okay to leave a voicemail!

Oh, why do we even bother.

Dear Roman: At some point you're really going to have to get over this supportive trainer thing. Look, Schatz, we're still used to years of Mike. All this showing up on time and pep-talking and BEING THERE for your skater is creeping us out.

Dear Deniz: ...you are so awesome that it should be fucking annoying. But it's not. What is this madness??

Dear Jenny and Axel: Nothing. Carry on! *noisy popcorn-munching*

Dear Katja: Congratulations, you have just proven that optimism is evil. So evil that the very second it rears its tiny sheep-faced head, tacky blonde competition spontaneously materialises out of nowhere and you've probably just fucked up all your chances at a working love life for the next 200 eps. Well done!

Dear Ben: Fail.