Episode 869-879

Roman is just about to murmur lots of dirty things to Deniz when Stella decides no one wants the details, thus putting the final nail in her EKP coffin. WE WANT THOSE DETAILS, TWIT! Oliver promptly runs off for a staircase quickie with Lars. Good for him. Meanwhile, Jenny takes home two hot guys, chains them to her bed and has her wicked way with them all night. Oh wait, that was just our overactive imagination again - apparently getting drunk and being really embarrassing makes more sense. Show, sometimes we don't get you.

Constanze, you minx! Yeah, sure, you're interested in the "boxers", right. That's why you're all giggly and offering "anything" that Katja needs. Wake up, Baby Bergmann. We love Ben too, especially shirtless and wet, but would it kill you to play the field a bit - especially when Deniz is telling you Ben's got other things *coughboyscough* on his mind and Constanze's willing to let down her long, luscious hair? What are you waiting for?

Meanwhile, Jenny continues to break our hearts when she helps out the Steinkamp Centre's most expensive skater who's never won anything. Hope all you hordes aren't worn out from slapping, because Marian's made of judgemental fail today.

Come on, Freckles. You can do better than wilt into a big strong bloke's arms. That ice has got nothing on you! (Although her ghostly mum does have that sibilant hiss down to a nails-on-chalkboard art. Ick.) Elsewhere, Annette's being hassled by the lamest wannabe-gangsta since Bulle's sidekick Jürgen "Faggot, Ey" Palmowski.

And Roman Wild, we need to talk about your finances. Yeah, we get cranky too when we're broke, but darling, how in the world can you be quite THAT broke? You've been a successful figure skater for years, presumably getting paid more money than you could know what to do with. Not to mention all that modelling on the side. And rent on that flat can't be that much, especially if you split it three ways. (Here's a thought: Get a loan from Stella -- she hasn't paid a penny of rent in over a year and a half, she must be sitting on a goldmine!) How, in 20 years of professional skating, did you not manage to ferret away enough cash to be okay for a few months even if your current pay is low? Did you blow it all on partying and rentboys? (Which we approve of, but we have not seen any evidence of same!)

...we should stop demanding logic from Show, shouldn't we?

Stella ropes Deniz in, hoping that having him play in her wheelchair will be enough to turn our GBWI channel into Stroppy Cows With Issues. Sorry, Schatz, ain't gonna happen. That "poor me" act is awfully convincing, though. Of course they're all out to get you. What other motive could there possibly be? After all, nobody's ever made any exceptions for this special snowflake. /sarcasm

(Besides, if we wanted to laugh at you, we'd play 862 on loop.)

Also, icky Rocky attack is icky. Show, when we said we wanted more of Annette's gorgeous cleavage, this was NOT what we meant.

We know, Stella, it's tough. All these awesome people supporting you and going into debt for you and a hunky fab boyfriend who loves your cranky arse for some reason. Life's a bitch, alright. Cry us a river.

Moving on! Katja and Ben reenacting episode 299! Katja's cute and Ben is awesome! Pretty skating! Deniz looking after Annette! Everyone squishing into a big pile of hugs and giggles! Now if we can just have one session of steamy DeRo phone sex, we'll call it a good week's work.

Oh hai, Show. Let's chat about a few things, shall we? Lately it's been kinda like... we live together, we have our giant breakfasts every morning, the rent gets paid on time, we're happy and the sex is great, but we don't seem to have meaningful conversations anymore, so here goes.

Show. Darling. Srsly? It's not that we don't approve of what you're doing there, what with the not-so-subtle, not-so-subtexty subtext of GAY GAY GAY all over the place, but do you actually mean to?? Do you realise what kinds of signals you're giving off? Deniz/Ben? Lars/Oliver/Marian? Are you doing it on purpose? If so, YAY! If not, then 200 episodes from now, when you figure it's time to mess with someone else's sexual identity and declare that Ben Is Gay Now, we totally reserve the right to point back at this vid and giggle and say, "Guys, you got so fucking lucky."

And you know, if that's NOT intentional, you might wanna tell Igor and Jörg to stop oozing chemistry. Actually while you're at it, tell Igor to stop oozing chemistry with *everyone* he's on screen with. It's no bloody fair.

(And seriously, poor Vanessa. Remember her crying about how every guy she falls in love with is either her half-brother or gay? How about both? Talk about crushing a girl's self-esteem!)

In other random appreciative news, thanks for getting all the little details right. Deniz and Katja's awesome banter, Katja's blowjob banana and Deniz smiling to himself in fond reminiscence and obviously going "check, check, check" to every daft infatuation symptom Ben is listing, frustrated evil mirror twin and sisterly Bergmann cuddles. Speaking of which, notice how Lena is almost always adorable and sparkly when she's with her sisters and friends? All supportive and sassy and casually flirty and cute? Yet put her in any romance plots and she gets dull beyond belief? TAKE NOTE.

That's pretty much it, for now. Generally, this stuff is so cute you could die and way too healthy, so we're prepping for drama and heartbreak in the not-so-distant future (and are not-so-secretly bouncing in anticipation because we're evil like that), but for now, this'll do, oh yes. Big snogs all around. (Although if you REALLY loved us as much as you keep telling us you do, you'd give us that DeRo/BeKa foursome we put on our Christmas lists *pouty*)

(Quick summary on the Stella/Lars/Oliver sitch, since no way in hell were we going to cover boxing plot: Oliver told Stella that Lars and he had been shagging, she threw stuff at him (no, really), then blackmailed Lars into getting back together with her and he and Oliver had a poignant silent goodbye scene in the park BUT TRUE LOVE WILL PREVAIL, OH YES. Erm... okay, okay: Oliver told Stella he was the one who'd run her over, she threw stuff at him (no, really), then told Lars she still luuuurves him, Lars won the rest of the money for the surgery in an illegal boxing match, and Oliver's in the doghouse.)

Whoa, rambly descrip got rambly, why are you still reading? Go watch!

Public call for action! Could someone please remove the blonde cook and her babble about Richard's heart attack (like, WHO CARES?) so we can follow Deniz and the phone sex instead? We really don't think that's too much to ask.

Also, shock horror gasp! Evil Rocky is still not out of the picture! No one saw that coming, surely.

Welcome to Romantic Half-year Anniversary Dinners a la Öztürk Junior - should've stuck with gyros or Turkish or whatever you were cooking for Vanessa back in the day when your cooking skills weren't mysteriously non-existent. Still, who cares about burned truffles or sad, sagging roses when they come with anxious puppy eyes, heartfelt declarations of love and luxurious oil massages? That's right, not a damn soul. The question remains, though: Are we ever, EVER EVER going to see these boys actually make it to a club together? Will there ever be a day when first-time fears (306), secret cheating (360), secret pining (731), skating schedules (804) or tiredness (now) don't interfere? (Oh well, apparently they made it to a club together at least once, since they've got the Studio 54 photo framed in their flat, lol).

Meanwhile, Ingo and his badass gang of badassery gently threaten Rocky, give him a tiny, fond kick in the butt and then let him go, conveniently leaving his knife in a clearly visible place for later pick-up. *collective facepalming* That'll teach him! He'll run off crying, never to return! For sure! He's definitely not going to come back and retaliate by wreaking havoc on Annette or the fry stand... oops :p

Deniz has no sooner left Casa WildTurkey than Roman is already caressing his first love. Roman/ceramic stovetop=OTP! (Special Note: This is a JOKE. We are NOT suggesting any appliance floozy ever could come between our precious DeRo. However, were Deniz to bend Roman over the stovetop and have his wicked way with him, we would not object to a 3some.)

While ceramic stovetop (and Lars' crotch) are getting the special Roman treatment, Deniz and the MaleFunction models are... wait, *those* are the MaleFunction models? And since when did MF design baggy grey vests and camo jumpers? We're supposed to believe *this* is the slick clothing line that fills Roman Wild's closet? And that the public would rather see those three than Roman?

Oh, Show.

Meanwhile, Annette breaks our heart, Richard forfeits his Honorary Slasher Badge, and Stella's life sucks so hard because the revolutionary surgery that she doesn't have to pay a penny for gets moved up so she doesn't have to fret for two extra weeks. For some reason, Marian and Deniz consider her plight more worthy of discussion than Deniz and Roman's relationship. Again we say, "Oh, Show."