Episode 850-859

Deniz schools Katja in "Getting Your Man the Öztürk Way." For some reason, he neglects to mention muscling in on swimwear shoots, contractually obligated touching, and the key piece of advice: don't get caught getting blown by the cameraman! He is extra sparkly today tho, and we are weak, so he's forgiven.

Oh, but hey, who's that stranger at 10 o'clock... um, 2 o'clock? Could it be the long-awaited return of Roman Wild, arriving at the most inopportune moment? Cue the oh-so-predictable scene of jealousy and recrimination... or not. Show, have we told you lately that we love you?

In which Lars goes all Streetcar over Essen, Roman reveals himself as a helpless romantic, Aldi deftly edits two episodes of nonsense into seven minutes of compelling drama, and Shelly and Lil run around yelling, STELLAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

Richard has been a complete asshat lately and deserves his share of punishment (not the fun kind either, Shelly!) but taking the blame for Stella's idiocy is going too far, even for us.

Meanwhile, Show when faced with choosing between boring catfight of boring and sparkly bouncy Roman, you should pick Roman every time! (Have we taught you nothing?) Lena's fail at drunkenness is almost as amusing as her fake!pregnancy waddling, but not in the middle of Roman's acceptance speech, OK? PRIORITIZE.

PS. Diana? Who is this Diana?

Deniz shares his sex tips with Stella ("I have no idea what it's like to just lie there"), which upsets her so much that she decides to off herself. (As opposed to Lars, who just lies sleepless in bed listening to the boys and dreaming of being fingered.)

Believe it or not, until Stella did the most selfish thing in her long line of selfish things, we were predisposed to be charitable towards her or at least just ignore the whole wheelchair drama. And then she goes and drags Deniz into her lame suicide attempt, and that is Not On, Sister. He was doing everything imaginable to put a smile on your mopey mug, and you repay him with years of guilt, remorse, and recriminations from everyone around. (And if anybody thinks he wouldn't be at fault, just listen to Oliver already blaming him for bringing Stella to the Centre, even though it was her idea. In Soap parlance, that's the first step down the slippery slope to "Jenny faked her own kidnapping.")

We've also got that blonde cook upstaging Roman's big day and Curly Fry stomping around making Annette sad. Is it Attack of the Psychotic Blondes Day in Essen or something? On the plus side, watching Roman gnoshing crisps and Deniz test-driving wheelchairs is worth the price of admission. Which, yeah, free, we know. Just go watch.

Marian gives Roman a present, which Roman liberally interprets as an invitation for attempted snoggage (motion approved!). Annette and Katja perform their amazing Synchronised Spoon Stunt whilst cuddling the pink WG blankie and sharing their woes about certain testosterone-based life forms. Next day at the WG breakfast, Costume Dept. piles on the love by putting Roman and Katja in matching purple sweaters. (HAI, AIDA! HUGS AND KISSES! WITH EXTRA GROPING FROM LIL!) Also, Richard urgently needs Roman for something, which Deniz has apparently finally learned to regard with suspicion, as he promptly gets his "Puppy smells a rat" face on. Good for you, Süßer.

(PS: Dear Stella: Suicide doesn't have an "off" button. Please bugger off and don't come back until you've learned how not to fail so abysmally at life, death, and everything in between.)

This clip tops EKP's Sparkle-o-Meter, making a coherent description nigh impossible. How adorable is Katja, batting those killer lashes and slaying us with her lovable cynicism? How deliciously wicked are Ben and Roman, innuendoing at each other and ogling their new skating discovery? And look at Deniz whizzing around to deliver coffee and relationship advice wherever needed! He might blossom into a worthy Nina successor yet.

Also, VANESSA?? OMG WHO IS VANESSA AND WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT KISSING GIRLS? IT NEVER HAPPENED, DIDN'T YOU GET THE MEMO ON REVISIONIST SHOW HISTORY? SHHHHHHHH. (Kidding, kind of. We actually appreciate Show owning its past fail.)

Holy crap, when did Show decide it was our birthday? We had trouble cutting ANYTHING out of this ep! In fact, we are so overwhelmed with squee that we've been reduced to minimalist-sentence bursts of staccato glee: Ben makes puppy eyes! Katja melts! Mirror twin taunts! Richard nibbles phallic cigars! Marian broods! Jenny suffers! Misunderstandings abound! Music Dept woobs! Roman frets! Deniz supports! EKP flails!

All you lovely masochists out there will feel a bit spoilt by today's episode. See, Show's been listening to us again, darlings, and dishing out exactly what we asked for: smoochy boys, proud Roman on the winner's podium, impassioned MaJe. But in true AWZ fashion, it all comes at a heavy price. Mistress, you are too good to us.

Roman, we're not sure deflowering a teenager counts as "experience with children", but we'll let it go this time.

Lars, Schatz, we can think of lots better ways to distract you. Call us!

Jenny, not that we approve of you killing yourself just for a trophy, but you rock for putting Marian in his place. You go, girl!

Deniz, if you carry on like this, we'll have to search your room and confiscate all your How To Be The Perfect Boyfriend manuals. Before you start making him roast dinners and curling your hair just the way he likes it.