Episode 830-838

In today's sparkly, sparkly episode, Deniz and Roman hang out with Annette doing Christmas-y things! Ingo tells jokes that... well, that aren't funny, but hey, who cares? Ingo has plot again! Ringo cuddle and make kissy faces! Woobie song montages(TM) turn inspiring and life-affirming. Fanpost arrives from none other than Brightman and Nealy who, being the polite Canadians they are, send their polite condolences about the Gay Games, politely reminding Roman that he's older than dirt. Politely. (Speaking of Roman's advanced stage of decrepitude: "I'm too old for this shit"? Oh Roman! *love* Almost 500 episodes passed since you made that line legendary, so yes, dude, YOU ARE METHUSELAH! But cheers for the dialogue full-circle continuity win :D) And through it all, Deniz continues playing the world's best (albeit ever so slightly nosy) boyfriend. (Hey, we're curious about those bank statements too - going from nearly indigent to unemployed with savings in just a few months is a skill we'd love to master.)

Maybe we've been infected with holiday cheer here at EKP, or maybe we were just craving even the briefest DeRo sighting, but this episode is 99% angst-free, all cuddly and snuggly and supportive, and we're lapping it up like kittens in the eggnog. Guess those ten days of bitching got us fully primed for our two days of bliss.

In which Deniz and Marian bicker over which hole to use, Roman and Deniz unsubtly manipulate Marian into hosting Ingo's comedy premiere, Ingo frets like a little girl, Lars is uncharacteristically sparkly, and Katja's Sekrit Skating Trauma(TM) rears its invisible head with evil ghostly giggles.

All of which we ignore to ogle the extras. HAI EXTRAS. Nice sitting-at-tables and walking-across-room there! Keep it up! (Yes, we thought the extras deserved cookies today. Just because. No reason. Carry on.)

In which, uhm, Jenny taunts Ben for his amateur scheming, Katja acts like a kleptomaniac goose and... OH, IT'S CHRISTMAS, WE'VE GOT TOO MUCH TO DO TO BE WITTY! JUST OGLE THE PRETTY, OKAY?

Show takes turns celebrating at the WG, Chez Steinkamp, and No.7 so we can appreciate the contrast between the three parties, but since none of them end up in a drunken naked orgy, we can't be arsed. But Frau Scholz sings, Oliver returns for all you Roliver shippers, and, um, Roman has a new red cap, and, um... okay, fine, lame Christmas episode is lame. But go watch last year's celebration and you'll think this one's covered in glittery tinsel by comparison.

Also, Katja is freakin' adorable and all you haters are getting LUMPS OF COAL in your stockings!

pparently Ingo can only be funny when Annette's around but she's currently being held up at the Flatshare of Tearful Sisterly Disclosure, leaving our fledgling comedian stuck in a quagmire of stage fright and cringeworthy bad jokes. Youch.

However, the boys save all with a concentrated dose of DeRo History Shoutouts - outfits & hairstyles from 297! Hilarious blushing sex talk, now upgraded with kink! Deniz serenading Roman with Marianne Rosenberg songs (extra cookies if you remember where that's from)!

We like this Christmas. This Christmas can stay :-D

PS: WTF is a Panikorchester? The name of the band of Udo Lindenberg, the musician Ingo is (badly) imitating. Don't worry, you're really not missing out on the funny.

Oh, and also pls welcome back Stefan Bühling to the director's chair as this episode kicks off his block.

The party kicks into full swing as Roman and Deniz take the stage. We're not sure wanting a cowboy counts as another kink, but we're willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Hey, it's gotta be better than a Santa suit, right?!

Life may be better than Dancing Queen at No.7, but back at the WG it's the same ol' obstinance and megalomania that we know and love. Ben tries his best to meddle, but hasn't quite honed the Steinkampian scheme-gene yet. Don't give up, Schatz, you'll get there.

P.S. Don't feel too sorry for Frau Scholz working on Christmas day. According to her careful schedule, she'll be able to retire in two years' time, filthy rich, and buy up the company. She'll then spend the rest of her life travelling the world, occasionally singing in high-class establishments for her own amusement and being followed by a train of oiled slaveboys. Keep racking up that vacation pay, sister!

Breakfast! The most important meal of the day! So says Ben, who's still getting used to this crazy Essen where people pass up their croissants because their wives missed their comedy debuts... or because they've just discovered they have a long-lost sister... or because they've just discovered their long-lost sister is snubbing them... or because their dad's working the self-righteous guilt...

Poor Ben. Hey, we're happy to join you for breakfast, especially if Marian's cooking up his sexy calamari in that ridiculous apron.

Apparently someone neglected to give Marian the "How To Date A Steinkamp" manual, specifically Chapter One: "Move the hell away from her family because sooner or later they will fuck it all up." (Shouldn't "Kevin" still have a copy somewhere? Oh wait, according to revisionist Show history, he and Vanessa never dated. Never mind!)

Meanwhile, Annette fails at basic culinary geography (a.k.a. GYROS =/= TURKISH) but makes up for it in spades by taking a tentative step towards Katja. Bonding over fatherly suck and synchronised cocoa-drinking ensues. Bless!

At Casa WildTurkey, Roman reads his fanmail, which apparently came from ALL YOU GUYS telling him he's not too old and to get his lazy arse back into the Gay Games. Which is fine, except ack!! You weren't supposed to tell him how much y'all hate Stella! :p

(Oh, and please, for the love of god, won't someone offer to finger Lars? He's practically on his knees begging for it.)

That's right, MaJe. Go ahead and shatter us into a thousand pieces, we can take it. And don't give us any clear side to take, that would make it faaaar too easy. Just more shards of sharp, sharp pain bound up in honour and trust, and packed away in that duffel bag of misery. No, that's not a tear, just spice from Deniz's gyros that got in our eyes... excuse us for a minute...

...

You know, there are few things we'd like better than finding Silvia Maleen curled up on the Igloo's doorstep, but NOT LIKE THIS.

And apparently cleaning therapy is an inherited trait, just like the ice skating gene. AWZ science: Embrace but never question.

P.S. And so we come to the last episode of 2009. It's been a brilliant run, wot? We've said goodbye to Mike and Nina and Juli and Vanessa, and we've welcomed Ben and Katja to fictional Essen. We got skating in drag, beetlefalls, and Gay Games qualifiers. We got delicious cracky crack with zombie!Bulle and Maximum and electro gay. And MaJe and Male Function and Mönchen the Slasher Queen. We've seen the bunny become a tiger and a puppy grow up. And we've had what none of us could ever have predicted: DeRo 2.0. And most of all, we've seen this sparkling EKP family grow beyond our wildest imaginings. Noserubs to each and every one of you, and wishes that 2010 will bring even more magic. Frohes neues Jahr!

Fictional Essen is a few days behind in celebrating the new year, but who's going to complain when there's:

1) Jenny's heartbreaking dance of pain;
2) Curly doing everyone - especially his daughters - a big fat favour and finally buggering off, with his Suckiest-Father-of-the-Year Award safely pocketed... except then WMG decided to be cranky bitches about the background music (happy new year to you too, jerks) so we had to cut the scene, but TRUST US, CURLY IS GONE;
3) The quaint German custom of lead casting and the WG-specific tradition of extremely loose interpretation;
4) Marian and Roman bitchfighting over Deniz's lush lips, er, attention;
5) Annette being her awesome, supportive, gorgeous self that we haven't seen enough of this year;
6) Oh lookie, it's those extras again, counting down and getting drunk. Wheeeeee!

PS: Marian's "daughter-in-law" snark brings the hints for a DeRo wedding to about... oh bother, we haven't counted, but it must be over a dozen at least by now. Granted, the mere thought makes our blood run cold and our toenails curl, but wouldn't it be worth it just to see Roman turn into the worst Bridezilla of all times? Muahahahahahah.

Deniz offers beachbound holidays and specifies where he wants to be kissed. Roman acts all put upon. Yeah, it's a hard life looking forward to cocktails, sunshine and bronzed entwining in the sand... where were we? Oh right, Roman has misgivings because of career woes. Funny chap, that Roman.

Not to worry, though, Ingo has the solution: "Your future is on the ice." Dude, really? That's your advice to someone after their heartbreaking farewell from skating? It's a good thing your ambition is to be a comedian, not a career counsellor. When Deniz Öztürk beats you in the sensitivity stakes, you might need to take a step back.

And on a completely different note: Now that even fictional Essen has officially entered 2010, we want to remind you of the GAYS OF OUR LIVES INTERNATIONAL EVENT in New York. It's just a few short months away, so get your ticket now - you won't want to miss meeting Dennis and Igor and the rest of the Eskimo hordes! Visit http://gaysofourlives.org/ for more information.

Aaaaaand this is the last episode in our current playlist, as we figure it's a good place to wrap up DeRo 2.0. We'll be starting a new one soonish to follow the boys' adventures in 2010, so watch this space!