Episode 750-759

Öztürk men and their patented approaches to handling fraught emotional situations: 1. Kissing and cursing; 2. Staring in eloquent silence; 3. Pleading intently. The fact that neither Jenny nor Roman puddle into melty trickles of goo bespeaks a willpower too awe-inspiring to behold. We bow in worship.

Meanwhile, the Steinkamps prepare their cunning cover story for the press: Roman FORCED Deniz to skate with him. Yup. It's very easy to drag someone out into an ice rink by the hair, twist his arm behind his back, hiss threats at him and all the while make him deliver a flawless pair-skating performance. Steinkamps, your logic hurts. To the doghouse with you.

UTTER PERFECTION. That is all.

(Except... Costume Department! Darlings! Long time no see! Huge gigantic eskimo smooches for the lovely symbolism of putting new and infinitely improved Deniz into his bitch jacket from coke-sniffing modelling days. Mwah!)

PS: Thank GOD the Steinkamp Centre provides headlines for the tabloids on a daily basis. Obviously nothing else in Essen is newsworthy, EVER.

PPS: And speaking of tabloids - since several people have asked, the translation of the headline in the end is "A wild exit: Deniz Öztürk & Roman Wild celebrate in their own special way after being fired. More on page 3".

Welcome to one of the loveliest scenes of physical intimacy ever seen on AWZ's screens... not because it's OMG TWO BLOKES IN THE SHOWER but because of the incredible emotional rapport between these two people and how beautifully and believably it was conveyed. We're still boggling over here. Way way way way way to go, Show! Srsly, your HQ is going to crumble under the weight of all the cookies and roses we'll be sending. (Also, ESKIMOKISS FTW!!!) And just in case you forgot, this is the Gay Boys With Issues channel, which means boys will be angsty, oh yes.

(It's getting harder to snark when stuff is just pure undiluted awesome. We tried to wave at Costume Dept. but y'know - what costumes? Har har. C'mon, Show... fuck up something small and insignificant that we can bitch about!)

Stella: "So they told me I could go single skater..."
Deniz: "Do it do it do it."
Stella: "...but I totally won't do it because..."
Deniz: "I'm fine with it. Totally. Go for it."
Stella: "...it wouldn't be right, and..."
Deniz: "OMG WOMAN, just sign the damn contract and leave me alone so I can pine for Roman, okay?!"

PS: Casa Wild/Sommer/Berger makes no sense. Is the bathroom only accessible through Lars' bedroom? AWKWARD.

Dear Lars: You never had to ask what to do after dinner with Jenny. (Hint: It wasn't doing the dishes either.)

Dear Marian: Grow a pair, we implore you. Cause failing harder than your son? That's kind of epic.

Dear Gay Boys w/ Issues: Nothing....carry on! *munches popcorn*

Ouch. Wow. Got tissues for the issues? You'll need 'em. Excuse us, we'll be over here in a delicious aching pile of wibble.

Dear Deniz: First of all? *SMACK!* Second of all, we've enclosed a dictionary for you and carefully highlighted the terms "friends", "feelings", "bloody", "moron", "head" and "desk". We've also taken the liberty of adding definitions for a couple more complex terms, such as "DUH!"

Dear Marian: actually, SEE ABOVE. Pls join your son for a study session while we get Jenny to wash our cars. As your other wives, we should get first dibs.

Dear Simone: Wow, do you ever have Roman's number! To be honest, you bounce between Epic Fail and Total Win, but today You Rock! (Let your hair down, bitte!)

Yes Deniz, first hug the cushion, and then sit down and have a long talk with the cushion explaining the myriad ways in which you are an idiot, but that you really really love the cushion and the cushion should forgive you. Then make it up to the cushion with lots and lots of showersex.

(EKP is gathering snacks in prepration for lots of contractually obligated touching which neither party will enjoy, AT ALL. :D)

PS. Marian, have you learned nothing from your son's mistakes? LOCK THE DAMN DOOR. (But secret MaJe affair? We totes approve.)

So Marian and Jenny's vow to call it off if anybody discovered their affair? Let's just hope neither of them swore by anything important. Oh, and Dr. Schwarz, your nefarious plan needs some work. Take a tip from such illustrious villains as Dr. Evil and Dr. Horrible -- aim for world domination (or at least blackmail Jenny to present Roman to you in gold lamé pants, tied hand and foot), not being named godfather to a cuddly baby. (What's all the fuss about this baby anyway? You'd think kid had a lightning-bolt scar on his forehead or something.)

Meanwhile, one day's passed and already the "no personal contact" rule's flown out the window for toasts at No.7 with the circus brigade. Way to stick to your guns, Roman - you'd better start rebuffing Tall Dark and Huggy over there soonish. BE A TIGER.

After a belly-dancing cracky dream sequence of win (oh Show, how you spoil us!), Jenny complies with Axel's dastardly blackmail scheme, demonstrating how much she fails at babies in the process *snerk* Meanwhile, Marian's already sizable collection of off-screen brothers grows into a small army, and he and Deniz do what Öztürk men do best... lie, dissemble, evade and deny. In a fatally charming and attractive manner, blast them.

PS: Deniz appears to be reading Jenny's Evil Book of Evil from the Julian Lives era. Quick, someone take it away from him before he gets any ideas!

Aaaaand today's Eskimo Awards (memo to selves: get merchandising sorted) go to:

1. Simone the Slasher Queen and her mad, shameless pimping, er, BUSINESS skillz.
2. Costume Department for their lickable sportswear design! (an infinite improvement over the lame-ass Steinkamp brand rags of yore)
3. The skating doubles (HAI PAUL PRADEL!) who are way too recognizable but hey, just focus on the pretty, people!
4. Roman's inner monologue of utter win. (And Jenny's of utter woobie.)
5. Deniz's bouncy pirouette of utter squeeeeee (and his general glowy irresistible happiness)
6. Lars (yes, LARS, shut up!) and his uncontainable giggles.
7. Marian and Jenny's angst-ridden forbidden love.
8. Elias von Eversberg (who's signing up for a smoking-hot & illicit Simone/Elias affair?)

...in other words, everyone gets an award, lol. KEEP IT COMING, SHOW!

Dear Deniz: Win No.1: Making out with a guy who's not Roman. ABOUT TIME. Win No.2: Stopping, not because of "OMG GAY" but because of "OMG Roman". ABOUT TIME. Win No.3: Pining looks. Wheeeee!

Dear Roman: Yes, yes, you're so over Deniz. Totally. Way. We get it. More cream in your orgasm?

Dear Annette: Major, major brownie points for making your man wait to be there for Roman. Thanks for letting us love you :-D

Dear Ricky: Cheers for the enabling, you lucky bastard! Come hang with the eskimo hordes of fangirls/boys. We all get notifications too when it's DeRo time.

Dear Jenny: Loved the HP reference. Skating so pretty! But OMG put a tight leash on Axel. We smell drama.

Dear Writers: We love you, period.

PS. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE!