Episode 600-609

Strange days. Vanessa bases her future on a hopeless crush and Deniz lectures her about lying. *snorfle* Seems we've fallen into an alternative reality where Deniz had yet to fall for Roman Wild, and Vanessa was his best friend with whom he fought over hockey and bitched at in the locker rooms but actually cared for and gave bemusingly mature advice to, and with whom he did not have, never had, and never would have anything resembling a romantic relationship. Thank god there's a patented hockey face-off on the rink, at least that's familiar.

Ah, young love, we've all been there. Those halcyon days when you fondle your beloved's undies and worm your way into his girlfriend's trust so you can be closer to him. Because you love him and will never be a TOTAL CRAZY BITCH. Nicole takes obsession to a whole new level. Not in a normal way, like suddenly rewiring your muscle memory so you can impress the girl you love with your mad figure skating skills. Oh Show, we love you already, you don't have to hit yourself to prove it to us!

Today on stalkerslut: Lena bitches about Nicole within ear shot and hurts her widdle feelings, awwww. Ingo attempts to confess his cheating ways, but Annette morphs into Vanessa and just wants everything to be okay again without actually, you know, talking.

Also, Roman returns victorious from the European's and is immediately tackled by a gangly puppy. He looks confused. We look confused. Yes, 74 episodes, and this is their first contact. We don't get it either.

To fool Ingo, Nicole attempts an impersonation of a normal human being. Nicole, love... pls go back to being the unhinged stalkerslut. It's more entertaining.

Meanwhile, Roman does his umpteenth "underappreciated diva" routine and threatens to leave Essen, while Jennifer fights for her skating dream (and unlike certain cottonfluffy circus attractions, she actually does have one). Also, Roman and Jenny hiss and scratch at each other like a prized pair of Siamese cats. Good times.

PS: If you've stuck with the Dark Years for this long, you deserve both an unlimited supply of Pina Coladas and a hint that the Dark Years are finally about to turn into the Dawn Years, with shy tendrils of rose-tinged sunrise -- i.e. Plots That Might Actually Be Interesting -- on the horizon. The 500s are dead, long live the 600s!

PPS. Props to Costume for matching Roman's dangling medal with Jenny's dangling necklace. And have we mentioned recently how much we adore Roman's hat?

Roman agrees to be Jenny's skating partner if she plays nice. Jenny bloodies his nose. Oh, it's so heart-warming to see these kids being all cuddly BFFs as usual. Speaking of heart-warming, dammit, Jenny and Simone! Stop making us sniffle.

Also, Lars shows up, which puzzlingly merits a YAY! Nina gets suspicious of Nicole, because she remembers her acing her I'm A Crazy Psycho test in Stalkers' College (apparently Nina dropped out after failing to snare herself an Öztürk). And Lena embarks further down the road of My Soap Pregnancy And 15 Ways How To Exaggerate It In Crazy & Hilarious Ways (just in case you were planning on ever getting pregnant, your hand will not actually be physically glued to the small of your back, you will not yet be required to move in a rolling waddle when you're about 4 months along, and your bump will not crazily jump sizes from one minute to the next in manner of mad alien creature).

Ever think you'd be happy about DeVa?? Yeah, us neither... but that was before Stella and her insta!friendships with every single character on this show and her forced sage advice. So uhm... HERE'S SOME FAKE DEVA! ENJOY!

In other news, Jenny and Roman's rivalry continues. Jenny is bitchy (YAY!), Roman is bitchy (YAY!), Lars is probably making grunting bitchy noises into his phone (uhm-don't-care-maybe-yay?), and can someone prevent Aldi from embarking on her crazy threesome shipping this time around? Yeah, thought not.

Deniz offers to be a clown. Hate to break it to you, Schatz, but you kinda already are.

Meanwhile, Stella tortures Vanessa with her confessions and good advice, and the ridiculous LOVE = HEARTBEAT theory is introduced, tested, and resolved. Show, c'mon, you're killing us here!

Deafening heartbeats! Vacant moon-faced stares! Forged lovenotes tucked into your intended's trousers! Welcome to "Love AWZ Style."

But if you can stomach the first half of this clip, the second half more than makes up for it. Deniz awesomely tells Stella off for stringing him along, then displays more chemistry with her clowncar than he ever did with her. Meanwhile, the hottest OT3 ever is introduced, Jenny fails adorably at cooking, and Stella fails painfully by seducing the former alcoholic with a big frosty brew. ("Not interested." Take note of these words, it won't be the first time we'll hear them.)